[Self-development] How does it feels to love something forever?
I've always thought about that to myself, but lately, after so many decisions (some good and others not) and changes in my daily life, this has been floating in my head with a bit more weight.
Well, to make things clearer here, when I was younger I started playing bass and other instruments. I was definitely inspired by blink-182 bassist Mark Hoppus, and once, while I was searching for stuff about him, I read an interview where he said something like, "I'll be doing that until I find it fun and it makes me feel good. When it stops, I'll leave." This is something that at the time was like a "motto" for me, but nowadays it's just the default way for me to live, and I never noticed that until now.
Why did I notice that just now, like 18 years later? Lately, I've been reflecting on most of my decisions and how the younger me was completely betrayed, since I truly remember during high school saying multiple times out loud: "I'll never be happy doing meaningless 9 to 5 desk jobs during workdays and living for the weekend! I'll do something active and relevant for people and get famous doing that!" By that time, I was playing in 2 or 3 different bands hoping to get a label with at least one and be able to live off music, which is completely insane and childish thinking—at least here in Brazil, where culture and music aren't the safest path to earn money and have a stable life.
Well, going back to the main question/topic here. Taking a look at the last 10 or 15 years, I noticed some sort of pattern with everything I do, with no distinction. It could be a hobby, a relationship, my job, a new course, or the graduation I did. When things just don't "click" anymore, I tend to fall back, give up, or even lose complete interest in them.
For a long time, I had this as my default behavior and thought that this was the way I would live forever, but taking a closer look at it now, I don't think I should. By doing that, I lost a lot of stuff. When I mean "a lot of stuff," I really mean it: opportunities, timing of ideas, job openings, important people, friends, relationships, and the most valuable resource I have, that is my time. Not saying that I wasted it on a lot of fruitless shit, but all my effort on something goes away when I decide to drop it; that's a fact.
The point where I find myself now is a point where I'm starting to reconsider the future and be more lenient and patient with stuff. In the process of growing up and getting to places, I lost a lot of passion for living, and during multiple of these times where things were falling apart, I just felt neutralized. I'm kinda tired of feeling like that, and I'm still not convinced that the process of growing and evolving naturally takes away the joy of living. I'm definitely tired of being sad and losing the will to fight for something I want.
Maybe with this reflection, I might be able to, once again, start to feel something that takes me out of this shit I'm in now.